to singledom.

life is a funny thing. a year ago today, i experienced a blindside of a breakup. it shook me at my core, and forced me to re-think what i thought i was doing with my life. little did i know that it is exactly what i needed.

since my freshman year of college, i had never been truly alone. there was always a boyfriend, kinda-sorta boyfriend, someone i was "seeing," and most certainly,

someone i could run to when the going got tough, rely on for late night phone calls and cute instant messages. (yes, i'm reminiscing about AIM... flashback, i know.) even in relationship interludes, i had people i'd go back to, safety

nets that i would take advantage of out of a fear of being alone.

a year ago, i was not left with an option. and it was hard. there were a few really hard weeks. there had been no conversation, no trying to work things out, and quite frankly, no clear reason. it was just over. and he was gone. from that initial mentioning of the "b word" to moved out in essentially a week. all of a sudden, i was alone. and i didn't have a safety net, because he had always assured me that i would never need one, ever again.

now, i can not sit here and say that i have been the epitome of the independent, single woman through the past year. i have pursued relationships, taken advantage of friendships, and i have hurt. i have hated being alone. hated sleeping by myself after nearly three years of sharing a bed. hated not having a lap i can rest my head on, or someone to sit around a read with. it has been hard not having someone hold my hand before scary new cancer adventures, and after three years of cancer adventures together, it was terrifying heading into surgery without the person that was always there to kiss my forehead when i woke up.

obviously i have survived. and i will continue to do so. i have moved on in many ways. to think of the last year, the breakup seems to be eons ago. i have done so much on my own, and so much more with the support of my family and friends.

i was able to conquer the night before surgery. i was able to spend my summer at bearskin doing my dream job without conflict. i've been able to spend my money guilt-free. i've been able to watch as much stupid tv as i feel entitled to. i've been able to blast country music as loud as desired without judgement or complaints. i have more closet space.

so there. i can do it.

though, i still only use half of the bed.

maybe one day i'll scoot over to the boy's side of the bed, but hey -- maybe not.

i think that's ok too.

sidenote: not sure when this blog got so emo and personal, versus just me posting cute things that i want to buy. i'll have to work on that. apologies.

happy hearts day.

i am by no means "that girl." the one that begrudgingly wear a pink scarf to work on february 14th, the one on the brink of tears when flowers are delivered to someone else's front porch, the one who blames Hallmark and the floral industry for a holiday the catholic church sanctioned around 498 AD, the one who wants to throw things at any couple passing by.

oh, hell no.

i love valentine's day.

pink and red? flowers and treats? a twinkle in the hopeful eyes everywhere? amazing.

and heck, if it means that people pull their heads out of their butts for even five seconds to realized how lucky they have it to have someone to love, then that should make up for any sourpusses out there.

if you have someone to think about on february 14th, you are lucky. whether that person is someone you have in your life, or someone you had in your life, or someone you are looking forward to having in you life, you are lucky. if an otherwise be a mundane day is visited by the thought of love, whether it's the flirty guy that works at starbucks, the innocence of your first kiss, or your love for your childhood pet, then you are lucky.

when you stop and look around, no matter what day of the year it is, we're all pretty lucky.

and if taking an extra minute out of your day to write a card to a certain friend, or give a significant other a token of affection, or even letting the other person choose the tv show for the night, is depressing, then damn...i think your priorities are off.

valentine's day goodies from:

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happy valentine's day.

embrace the spring in your step. i know i will.

here's to you.

she's my bestie. she's my roomie. she's my partner in crime.

and she is offended that she was not mentioned in my "eight months in a hundred and fifty words or less."

so, my dear katie, this is my ode to you.

since the first day of freshman year of high school, you have rocked my world. we bonded over a love for sushi, and you tried to be cool by telling me you surfed. i'm not gonna lie, it impressed me. over those next four years, a strong bond grew -- a love for long-haired men, being the original gangsters of jack johnson, and making sure we were never too cool to worry about embarrassing ourselves. you were always the one of the few in our crew not named "megan," the one who would try and figure out which of our siblings could get married so we'd be legal sisters and you were rad enough to not want to stay in-state for school. not to mention you lived in napa, being the one defender of napa in the frequent sonoma/napa throw-downs.

you are my champagne connoisseur, my master chef, and own more glassware than we will ever know what to do with. you're weird about touching people, despite my attempts to, ya know, touch your arm in passing, or give you the ol' football smack-on-the-ass. you buy a damn good present, and i'm glad we're at that point in our relationship where buying each other jewelery just...seems right. you always have snack packs, you will always share a doctor's examination table with me, and you are a fantastic doctor's appointment companion. oh, and you're a wonderful chemo buddy, no matter the type or timing. and giiiirl, we've done it all.

thank you for all that you are KM.
i love you like a fat kid loves kate.
(get it? instead of "cake" i used your name...)

oh. and thanks for thinking i'm funny. you really boost my self-esteem.

hello stranger.

well, here i am world. back in action. okay, okay, so maybe it has been eight months. but, ya know. what are you going to do? sometimes life gets in the way of chronicling it all on my laptop to update the world (in theory) on the ins and outs of my life...of which there have been many.

since june 5th, my last blog post, there has been so much that has happened, and all i can say is that i'm so glad that it all did.

has it been perfect? of course not.

has it challenged me? most certainly.

have i loved every moment of it? hell yes.

so, let's give this a try - eight months in a hundred and fifty words or less:

bearskin. leaders-in-training. bed rest. chelliot. fresno. fake boyfriend and girlfriend. bridesmaid business. my best friend’s wedding. drinking. dancing. cuteness. giants games. “let’s make friends” party. sixty coors light. s’mores. rabbit. more lits. norovirus. lits again. red roof. drama. more lits. crystle caves. justin bieber. closing circle. missing camp. visits. giants games. oakdale. krystle. holly. santa cruz shakespeare festival. more giants. business law. giants fever. clinical trial. tumors disappearing. birthdays. lions pub. surprise lits. magnolia. lions pub, again. carrie underwood. beach blanket babylon. hardly strictly bluegrass. fake breakup. jack johnson. teen ed retreat. giants win nlds. sharktoberfest. phillies. palm springs. sisters. black. orange. pennant. rangers. WORLD SERIES! parade day. mixed results with trial. bernardo. thanksgiving. palm springs christmas party. finals. boulder. graduation. new iphone. “damn girl.” work. della santina’s. christmas. new years eve. scott. breanne. 2011. hip pain. goodbye mackensey and nardo. radiation. new treatment. sick. 26. birthday brunch. school.

smiling.

so. that is what life has been like. once again, ups and downs, but as usual, one day at a time. loving it as i go.

i do have to say that the giants being in the play-offs, followed by the world series was beyond exciting. the city was a-buzz, orange was everywhere you went, and everyone had a spring in their step.

the day the san francisco giants won the world series is a day i will never forget. we laughed, we cried, and we kept trying to pinch ourselves to wake up from this dream. still, now, just thinking about it makes me tear up a bit. honestly those were some of the most exciting, happiest, and completely unforgettable days of my life.

(here is my outdated homage to my favorite team in the world.)

in short, i guess that is what's up.

watch out blogosphere, i'm back.