to singledom.

life is a funny thing. a year ago today, i experienced a blindside of a breakup. it shook me at my core, and forced me to re-think what i thought i was doing with my life. little did i know that it is exactly what i needed.

since my freshman year of college, i had never been truly alone. there was always a boyfriend, kinda-sorta boyfriend, someone i was "seeing," and most certainly,

someone i could run to when the going got tough, rely on for late night phone calls and cute instant messages. (yes, i'm reminiscing about AIM... flashback, i know.) even in relationship interludes, i had people i'd go back to, safety

nets that i would take advantage of out of a fear of being alone.

a year ago, i was not left with an option. and it was hard. there were a few really hard weeks. there had been no conversation, no trying to work things out, and quite frankly, no clear reason. it was just over. and he was gone. from that initial mentioning of the "b word" to moved out in essentially a week. all of a sudden, i was alone. and i didn't have a safety net, because he had always assured me that i would never need one, ever again.

now, i can not sit here and say that i have been the epitome of the independent, single woman through the past year. i have pursued relationships, taken advantage of friendships, and i have hurt. i have hated being alone. hated sleeping by myself after nearly three years of sharing a bed. hated not having a lap i can rest my head on, or someone to sit around a read with. it has been hard not having someone hold my hand before scary new cancer adventures, and after three years of cancer adventures together, it was terrifying heading into surgery without the person that was always there to kiss my forehead when i woke up.

obviously i have survived. and i will continue to do so. i have moved on in many ways. to think of the last year, the breakup seems to be eons ago. i have done so much on my own, and so much more with the support of my family and friends.

i was able to conquer the night before surgery. i was able to spend my summer at bearskin doing my dream job without conflict. i've been able to spend my money guilt-free. i've been able to watch as much stupid tv as i feel entitled to. i've been able to blast country music as loud as desired without judgement or complaints. i have more closet space.

so there. i can do it.

though, i still only use half of the bed.

maybe one day i'll scoot over to the boy's side of the bed, but hey -- maybe not.

i think that's ok too.

sidenote: not sure when this blog got so emo and personal, versus just me posting cute things that i want to buy. i'll have to work on that. apologies.